'Jersey Shore's' star-crossed couple Ronnie and Sammi can't seem to work out their differences.
Jersey Shore's Ron and Sam are the Romeo and Juliet of our times. Star-crossed lovers born of two separate houses: She of beer and he of liquor. Put them together...never been sicker.
This week's very special episode revolved around the duos doomed love. He's been creepin' at the club but no one wants to tell Sammi about it because they claim they don't want to ruin their friendship with Ron. Honestly, though? I think it's fear of 'roid rage. We all saw him put that kid to sleep with one shot last season.
So that's the dilemma: Do Snooki and JWOWW snitch on their boy or do they protect their girl and tell her that Ron has been out dumpster diving with the hood rats of Miami? Surprisingly, our ever-inventive team of heroines found a way to do neither and both at the same time!
But first, let's talk about how Snooki's boyfriend back home Emilio is a total jerk. They hadn't talked in two whole days when she called to say wuz up and he yelled at her. He was in the club (obviously) and couldn't hear her over all the half-naked girls surrounding him so he just yelled until she hung up on him. This upset our dear Snickers, who lamented an allegedly growing rate of lesbianism in this country. It's because of the men, she said. The men and their Ed Hardy shirts.
Snooki went to complain about her man problems to Sammi who took the opportunity to segue into her own issues. She wanted to know if Snooki or JWOWW knew anything about Ronnie "f--king her." Their answer? Blank stares, which made Sammi even more suspicious.
At this point, Emilio called back! He got all drunk-serious and confessed to Snooki, "I f--ked this girl tonight. I'm sorry...I was drunk." Snooki could hardly believe her lilliputian ears. And just when she thought all hope was lost and she'd just move to Provincetown with JWOWW and they'd get a golden retriever, Emilio was like, "JK!"
Only Snooki didn't think it was funny. "Go f--k yourself. Go f--king die!" she told him, her hands balled into tiny fists. Then she hung up.
Then Emilio called back again and JWOWW threatened to call the cops before totally confusing him by pretending to be an answering machine. "You're a drunk skank with no job....BEEP!" With the smack officially laid down, Snooki celebrated her new single status by smashing plates on the sidewalk.
When the guys and Angelina finally returned home from the club (where else would they have been?), Ronnie automatically assumed Sammi had broken the plates out of anger towards him. He went straight to his room and pretended to sleep. When he didn't come say hello to her, Sammi sought Ronnie out and yelled at him for going out with the guys when he should have stayed in with her. She explained that when she told him he should do what he wanted that it was a test! And he failed.
"I don't like tests," said Ronnie. "That's why I didn't go to college." Funny 'cause it's true, right?
Well, Sammi wasn't laughing. She said she was DONE, over it, kaput.
Because their last family dinner was destroyed by Snooki's slippers, Mike decided to whip up another meal for all his housemates. But then he dropped the sausage. Then Snooki almost took off Ron's face with a champagne cork. Then the milk fell out of the fridge. The house is cursed! Haunted by the ghosts of grenades past.
Eventually, everyone made it to the table for some chow and light chatter. Angelina tried to get everyone to relive a moment when Ronnie was grinding with some blonde at the club but quickly realized that that wasn't really dinner table conversation, especially when Sammi was sitting right there.
After dinner, the girls put on "sexy clothes" for a game of questions. I put sexy clothes in quotations because Angelina's outfit looked like a trash bag, at least according to Vinny. "She's wearing her luggage from last year!" said Pauly, hilariously.
So the questions: "Who is the president of I.F.F.?" "Which guy in the house would take a dump on my chest?" "Have you ever cheated?" Record scratcccccch! I like how everyone got awkward about the cheating question and no one batted an eyelash about poop.
Ronnie admitted that he has cheated but didn't say specifically with Sammi. No matter, the situation set off another round of fireworks between them anyway. The Situation's advice? Ronnie has to give up his "cookie." In this case, cookie=Sam. "I'm eating chocolate cookies every night!" said Mike.
Mike also walked us through the GTL situation in Miami. Unlike the Jersey Shore, EVERYONE in Miami is in shape so they have to work extra hard at their fitness. "You need to be on your tip top game with your GTL to stay f-i-t to get the girls to DTF in MIA. Say that five times fast," Mike challenged us, the viewer. I had to look up "DTF," by the way. I think it stands for "down to f--k."
That night, everyone went out where? To the club! Ron and Sam were fighting again. He told her that things weren't working out and that it was all her fault. She told him she was done, for like 1000th time, then everyone left the bar...except for Ronnie because they forgot to tell him.
When Sammi realized they were down a soldier, despite being "done," she went back to find him. When she saw Ronnie emerge from the club, she ran to him as he got into a cab. He saw her but drove away without stopping. This made Sammi even MORE done with him.
JWOWW supported this decision and told Sammi she didn't do anything wrong. "Word," agreed Snooki.
Same night, new club. Ronnie found his way back to the gang, only now he was about 30x as drunk. "I hate you so much because I love you," he slurred to Sammi as he fell into her repeatedly. "I hate you but I'm going to take care of you," said Sammi. That's so funny because I hate them both but still watch this show!
Back home, Ronnie was so drunk (how drunk was he?!), he couldn't even get up from his bed. He fell flat on his face on the hardwood floor, like he'd been shot by a tranquilizer dart. Then he started throwing up, "like the exorcist," according to Vinny.
The next morning, Sammi and Ronnie cuddled. They're in love again.
Here's something less confusing--everyone loves Pauly and Vinny at the ice cream shop! They're like a little comedy duo behind the counter. Vinny says he spoons, Pauly says he forks, and the ladies? They go wild! One girl came in and tried to flirt with Vinny, but then complained about having to study for finals. "I'm in Miami," said Vinny. "I don't want girls studying for finals. I want girls studying for d-ck!" I really want to make a magna cum laude joke here but back to Sam and Ron instead.
The pressure was on JWOWW and Snooki to do something, anything! So they decided to write an anonymous letter, detailing all of Ronnie's creepin' and put it someplace where Sammi would find it.
"He put his head inbetween [sic] a cocktail waitresses [sic] breasts," typed Snooki, her acrylic nails clacking across the keyboard. "Also was grinding with multiple women." They were convinced this was the perfect plan and their anonymity was ironclad, seeing as they usually use the words "t-ts," not "breasts." Sammi would never be any the wiser!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Posted by news update at 3:50 AM